Ever
since I can remember, I’ve always been imaginative. It’s who I am, and I like
how it defines me. To this end, my ONE WORD (see Evan Carmichael’s book of the same name) is “DREAM.” It defines my goals of how I want to see things, how I write
my novels (brainstorming heavily to the point my dream world characters are almost real), and pretty much how I live my life.
On the radio, we hear, “Life
is but a dream,” “Be your teenage dream tonight,” “Dream until your dreams come
true,” “You make my dreams come true,” “Sweet dreams are made of this; who am I
to disagree,” “It was all a dream,” “That’s what dreams are made of,” and “Say
you’ll see me again, even if it’s only in your wildest dreams,” among other
things that talk about dreams and dreamscapes. After all, couldn’t just about
half of Jimi Hendrix’s catalog be about some surrealist fantasy?
Dreams are everywhere
we turn. Whether nocturnal, daydreams, or nightmares, dreams make up the basis
for all that we are in straightforward or symbolic fashion. They guide us and
provide insight into our world. I have no idea why many of mine are like
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, where I run in and out of bizarre-o
places in my life with people who are in no way connected to each other, let
alone the people in them, but such is my dream world.
In my wide awake world,
I contemplate the dreams of other people and their reflections on dreams. For
instance, “What happens to a dream deferred?” asks Langston Hughes who also tells
us to “hold fast to dreams for when dreams go life is a barren field frozen in snow.” I like that poem. It feels more
positive than when he inspired A Raisin
in the Sun.
Just like Obama’s hope,
the future is based on making dreams real to achieve what we want for a better
tomorrow. We need vision and possibility in a manner that is similar to Walt Disney
saying, “If you can dream it, you can do it.” I think that’s what makes a lot
of our science fiction writers great (especially if they’re read by STEM kids
who become unlimited potential adults).
As a toddler /
preschooler who was consumed in his own dream world, I was described to my
parents by a doctor as being someone who marches to the beat of his own drummer
when they had worries about my socialization skills (I tended to be by myself a
lot, which I still find comforting, though I find it easy to speak to large
groups – thank you Air Force basic training punishments – and open up and be
comfortable with my wife and some others). From an early age, I preferred to
associate with things like Star Wars and the figures that came with, and as I
got older, I found myself caught up in baseball statistics. I was never good at
the game, but the numbers meant something to me. I could almost see them played
out before me like some larger than life hero.
As I became an adult,
my interests moved from music to literature, where I could better find ways to
grasp life. For that matter, I still can find myself dreaming images of what I’ll
see on a map. I know, I must be strange, but such is me. It’s part of the
introspective creative mind I am. Here, this is much like Henry Miller, who
once said, “Once in a great while I came across a being whom I felt I could
give myself to completely. Alas, these beings existed only in books. They were
worse than dead to me- they had never existed except in imagination. Ah, what
dialogues I conducted with kindred, ghostly spirits! Soul searching colloquies
of which not a line has ever been recorded. Indeed these “excriminations,” as I
chose to style them, defied recording. They were carried on in a language that
does not exist, a language so simple, so direct, so transparent, that words
were useless. It was not a silent language either, as is often used in
communications with “higher beings.”
Nevertheless, as I grow
older, I do enjoy being around people and hearing what they have to say,
especially when it comes to things that they have seen and expressions of life
that they feel. I have met some inspiring people in my time, and I feel drawn
to them. I would love to meet more people like this. Jack Kerouac wrote it best
in On the Road, by typing out the
words, “They rushed down the street together, digging everything in that early
way that they had, which later became so much sadder and perceptive and blank.
But then they danced down the streets like dingledodies, and I shambled after
as I've been doing all my life after people who interest me, because the only
people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad
to be saved, desirous of everything, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow
roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see
the blue center light pop and everybody goes ‘Awww!’"
Other times that I am
with people, I may be quiet because I’m not really good with the superficial
except as related to things like music, hiking, baseball, movies, and seeing
the world and its natural wonders. I often find it hard to enter into
conversations without comparing situations to my experiences or interviewing
people with lots of questions. Sure, I can wax intellectually on the news, but I
really am starting to loathe that this ends up in political discussions (though
I feel several brewing on the environment, education, and healthcare, but I
digress and hold that one that I started writing until later). To this end, when
I’m around true conservatives, I tend to feel moderate. When I’m around farther
left liberals, I don’t relate at all. That said, I do have parts of me that
understand and relate to the left and right. I guess I’m just Eugene O’Neill’s hairy ape.
It’s times like this
that I compensate by enjoying me time. Either I’ll drift off in the wormhole
(like Jodie Foster in Contact) or opt out of that world to go hiking. If I can’t
do that, I tend to like to write (especially when I have the time to do that
like I do today). Last night, I read a great article about drifting off into the woods for me time to take a dip in Nature. I really liked it, and I hope that in whatever way you, the reader can, you choose to enjoy time in unspoiled natural beauty as often as you can. It really does recharge our batteries (brains and souls).
On that note, currently,
I have been spending as much time as possible (when I’m not grading student
work or working to get ready to teach the coming units) in trying to finish up
my 3rd or 4th book (depending on how you look at the
2-part Dead Mouths (named after a quote from Pablo Neruda – I’ve come to speak for your dead mouths”), which I finally
finished and put on Amazon’s Create Space last October). This book, like my
600+ page Dead Mouths and my first
book Eureka in Flames, are all part
of a long series entitled Blackrock
Canyon. Much of the book deals with the surreal and prophetic nature of
dreams and how they predict horrific events that will occur in the recesses of
a hidden canyon located around a Utah ranch, which contains many archaeological
relics that are cursed by ancient tragedy. Over the past 2+ years, I have
created an alternative universe populated by Tony Lucas, Colin Jameson, Bart
Doherty, Dave+Charlotte Robinson, Suzie Heilman, Charles “Chuck” Jones, Abraham
“Wolf” Owens, Marcus Powell, and a host of other people who are working to
battle evil in its darkest forms. In many ways, the story is a mix of the first
season of Heroes (normal people
brought together to save the world – both through fate and natural law
enforcement / military abilities and supernatural ones that they do and don’t
understand), The Walking Dead (I love
the character development of that show), and all of the television ghost,
aliens, and monster shows, not to forget movies by people like M. Night
Shyamalan.
You can read samples here.
My facebook writer's page is here.
When it comes to
entertainment, I like the idea of suspense and supernatural entertainment. I
also like action / adventure movies, but I will say I’m not a fan of gore or
rooting for the bad guy like in Friday
the 13th or something like that. I’d like to say I get why
people like those movies, but I don’t really try to get it because gore and
criminality is not my thing. In fact, I can say that in writing dastardly deeds
of bad guys, I find that it’s a very heavy process that takes an emotional toll
on me as a writer (I took a nearly one month siesta from writing after one such
incident in Dead Mouths). On that same note, I once walked out of my own
living room when friends were over watching Scream.
I don’t judge people who like the movies, because, well… I’m into watching
shows like Monsters and Mysteries in America, Ancient Aliens,
and A Haunting as well as visiting
places and festivals associated with these things (yes, I’ve been to the
Mothman Festival in West Virginia). It should be noted, though, that I tend to
take things with a grain of salt, and enjoy them for the story, the
archaeology, and the out of the ordinary element presented in them. It’s
another place where education and imagination meet for entertainment.
With many of these
shows, whether a movie like Signs
(much better than The Sixth Sense, which
was also good in my opinion) or cheesy TV horror like My Haunted House, there is a sense of fear that builds up in trying
to escape from or fight back against what we don’t understand and can’t explain.
There is also a sense of faith, which I feel is essential in all of these shows
(whether it’s The Exorcist or Contact), and I like that, too. There’s
no good without evil, but goodness can always win, which is definitely a good
thing.
That said, when it
comes to fear, I also really like Iron Maiden’s “Fear of the Dark,” with lyrics
that express “the unknown troubles on your mind, maybe your mind is playing
tricks, you sense, and suddenly eyes fix on dancing shadows from behind.” I think that’s a fair expression of fear,
whether it’s acrophobia, claustrophobia, mysophobia, or thanatophobia. If we
look at the lists, there’s a fear of everything out there, whether it’s
spiders, love, or being out of mobile phone contact, you can find any phobia on
Wikipedia.
For those of us who
have these fears, which are somewhat the opposite of dreams since they inhibit
us from venturing into the “unknown” or “dangerous,” we know they’re “irrational.”
We should use mind over matter to defeat them. We know this.
So then why do we still
have them?
For myself, I find
myself afraid of heights, which really freaks me out on some bridges or steep
places like Great Falls of the Passaic in Paterson, New Jersey. That said,
there are times I can push myself forward, and there are other times I can’t.
Nevertheless, as a
person with Parkinson’s, I feel subjected to a whole new set of fears that I
have come to find are truly “rational.” I don’t always “feel” them in a sense
where I take them on board and think about them obsessively, but they always exist
in my head.
“Where will I be in 5
years? 10 years? 20 years?”
“Where will I be next
year, for that matter?”
“Can I push through
these rusty knees to make them move smoother over longer distances so that I
can once again do double digit hikes?”
“Should I be worried
about these symptoms I’m being asked if I experience or is this just standard
protocol for everyone who gets this condition?”
“How often am I going
to have weird symptoms like my upper left arm popping or my sciatica type
pains, which are infrequent right now, but…?”
“If they come up with a
cure, will my insurance cover it? Will it work for me? Is it too late to make
progress forward, or am I always going to be ‘at least this way?’”
“How much will some people’s
ethical / religious beliefs impact any chance for the benefits of stem cell
research and treatment on people in America?”
“Would I ever be able
to have the ways and means to take my chances on Mexican doctor options? Are these the best options for me or is this just wishful thinking?”
“If and when Obamacare gets replaced, will my state choose to get rid of pre-existing conditions
coverage?”
“When the next election
comes, will the next president undo much of the devastation of this
administration’s policies on healthcare?”
“What type of burden
will my condition and treatment play on my wife and family, both financially
and emotionally?”
“If I’ve had symptoms
since age 40 (2011), how fast will things progress now that I’m on Azilect and
amantadine?”
“How long will I be
able to keep hiking, writing, and being the ‘me’ that I know and am used to?”
“Will I ever get a
chance to go and see some of the National Parks and Monuments of our country
before I get too rough to hike distances or in the heat / my country removes
their protection so that they become spoiled forever and ever?”
“Will someone with
power over my future choose to discriminate against me in a way that impacts my
future and that of my family?”
I’m sure that everyone
reading this feels some impact from all of these questions that I ask now. I’m
sure some of you are newer than me to the symptoms (though I’ve only been
labeled since November 1st of last year) and you have newer concerns
such as when will left hand go to left foot to head to right hand and off to
right foot. I’m sure other people have answers to some of these questions to?”
“I know I’m not
guaranteed to advance beyond certain stages, but what are the odds of people
not advancing?”
“Are all these studies
that are finding things really making headway?”
“Is anyone I’m
educating and advocating to getting any use out of this?
“When will the movement
freezing start?”
“What parts of my real life
will be affected by / kiboshed by my medicines?”
“When will I need
constant care and who will provide it to me (i.e. boy, I’m glad I didn’t have
children for some reasons, but I might have been able to use their assistance)?”
“Does everyone who gets
this have to go through Deep Brain Stimulation?”
“Why must so many
people who know I have this condition (but who don’t have Parkinson’s) send me
that cannabis treatment video? Do they think if it’s legalized medically, they’ll
be able to get stoned, too?”
“When am I going to
stop addressing myself as, “Hi I’m ____, and I have Parkinson’s. Here are some
things you may notice. Please ignore them and love me for me’?”
“Am I required to buy Back to the Future on DVD now?”
I can’t answer many of
the other questions except for myself, but I can tell you the answer to that
last 1 is: “Only the first one. The others just don’t hold up as well.” To be
honest, Michael J. Fox is awesome for all he's done for Parkinson's, whether you are a fan of Family Ties or Spin City or not.
In the end, there’s really only one question that I can answer:
“Who is this person I’m
looking at in the mirror and what happened to the other guy?”
The answer:
“It’s
still the same old you, but you have a new normal now:
I am a husband to
Heather
I am a son to John and Essie
I am a brother to Beth
I am a nephew to Toot, Dave, Pat, Steve, and Deb
I am Big D’s godfather
I am Uncle Dan to over 20 different kids and adults in Pennsylvania and Ohio
I am a cousin and all other kinds of family related tags
I am a friend to some really great people who have listened to my story about
this and been there in good times and rough days
I’m a Berks County Boy living in Ephrata, smack dab in the middle of Amish
Paradise
I am a teacher / tutor who works hard to push people to be great while teaching
them how to write well, and for this, I’ve seen some really great people I feel
awesome about working with
I am the proud product of a community college, which transformed my life
I am a writer of ghost stories and outdoor tales
I may write ghost stories, but I believe in
God and the power of true love
I went to a Catholic college whose teachers
also influenced me
I am a hiker who is active in hiking groups to include the Standing Stone Trail,which
in my humble opinion is the best trail in Pennsylvania
I am a photographer
I love music from all genres, especially Polyphonic Spree and Neutral Milk
Hotel
I’m a baseball fan
I served in the Air Force
I like chocolate iced donuts, cheese steaks, and pizza more than I should
I’m heavily influenced by stories of people overcoming hardship.
I have a weird sense of humor
I’d like to think I’m a good person, but I’ve done some knuckleheaded things
that I wish I could undo, too
The Stockdale Paradox is my defining code.
You must
never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end with the discipline to
confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.”
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